Saturday, July 10
Must I Go To Work Today?
I've been feeling foolish, lately; tripping over my words like a clumsy oaf. You see, I have prepared dialogues to run through when I'm waiting tables. Add a punch line here, some sass there---everybody is happy. The problem is when they come back. I have to update the routine, but that can only go so far. Then, it gets to the point where I have to genuinely interact with these people. I have talk to them. I have to uphold the image I've created of myself, of my family, of the life they think I should lead. It's all so exhausting. Remembering all the details, romanticizing stories, holding my tongue---fuck, it's a miracle I haven't physically hurt someone by now.
I often do fantasize about toppling a bowl of spaghetti on someone's head. Or throwing their drinks in their faces. Or saying: Dude. You're a needy little bitch. Stop attempting to monopolize my time. I don't like you.
The funny thing is that it's hard to pull yourself away from a conversation, regardless of whether or not you wanted to be involved in said conversation in the first place. That's when I start to panic and look for excuses to walk away.
I can't decide if I don't like people or if I'm actually afraid of them. I've always been devout to the former assertion, but these days I'm not so sure.
Anyway, I just feel awkward. I feel uncomfortable in such charged environments and I use to want to unwind in the safety of solitude. Now, I want to spend time with people I am comfortable with---guard down and everything. I love my friends.