Saturday, May 29
I believe that my parents love each other. I mean, you can't really put up with someone's bullshit for 26 years without feeling some kind of attachment to that person, can you? But I also believe that growing up, I very rarely saw healthy examples of loving relationships. For me, love has always been incurably linked to responsibility---you received the reward of affection once you've proven yourself useful. Bring honor to the family, show off how bright and clever you are, and suddenly, your parents love you. Being useful does not give you a free pass to being loved. I have finally learned this after many, many years. Love has also always been presented hand in hand with guilt and passive aggressive-ness.
I will not say that I wasn't loved enough as a child. My parents love me as best they know how. Growing up Asian fucked me over, though. We don't show affection. We don't express love. We are compelled to act because of obligation, duty, responsibility. We are valued when we are needed. I need to be needed to feel like something.
How tragic is that?
I'm trying to discover new and better ways to love. The problem is that I don't really know how...