Sunday, November 1

I either need to work less or quit school. Because this is taking a toll on my grades and my health. I don't have time to finish my homework. I don't have energy to study. I don't have time to sleep.

I'm anxious and exhausted and frustrated every waking moment and I'm just waiting to collapse.

Please, just let this body stop functioning. There are only two options: that I get the hell out of my situation or that I fucking kill everyone.

I imagine what it would be like if I got to keep any of my money. I'd just save it. Bidding time. Waiting. Waiting until I had enough. Waiting until I knew that I could fill my tank of gas and just drive away forever. I'd never have to see any of you assholes again.

Would I miss you?

Fuck no.

I'd be gone. I'd be gone and never have to worry about this stupid family ever again. I could take care of MYSELF for once. I could live for me. I could be selfish. I WANT TO BE SELFISH.

I don't care if that makes me a bad person. I don't care what you think of me. Because you don't understand. You haven't lived my life. You haven't experienced my bad. And I don't need to explain to you or even try to make you understand because what you think doesn't matter.

Oh, everyone thinks their life is the worse.

So? That doesn't negate how shitty mine is, so just fuck off, you insensitive prick!

All I know is that I'm fed up with being oppressed, okay? I'm tired of the double standards. I'm tired of being a work mule. I'm tired of getting told every single damn day that I am worthless, that I am ugly, that I am shameful. I don't deserve this. I'm tired of fighting.

I use to think that I fought for you. Because I love you. But it isn't fair. It isn't fair that I keep on fighting for the very same person who hurts me the most.

Dad, I'm done fighting for you.

1 comment:

Gabi said...

You should stop talking and start doing something.