Sunday, October 18

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore...

I'm such a liar.

People don't just wake up one morning and stop caring about someone they love. I've been lying to myself, trying to convince everyone (including my subconscious) that I'm just fine. I'm not, okay? It hurts like hell and nobody really understands.

But I'd rather severe my limbs than let him know that I miss him. No. I will not let him win. I will not let him know that he still means something to me---and probably always will--- when I mean absolutely nothing to him. I can't lose any more of my pride to this boy. I'm still picking up the shattered pieces of my self-esteem; my ego can hardly accommodate another gory defeat.

All I can hope for is that things get a little easier. Please God, let it get easier.

Part of my likes to think that maybe he misses me too, that maybe he does care and that he's hurting just as much as I am. You know, despite what his actual words and actions say about the situation...

You know, despite the fact that he has blatantly said that he doesn't care.

What can I say? I'm just stupid like that. I still believe that he's a good person, a good friend for some reason; even though he wasn't neither of those things to me. At least, I can't remember the last time he was.

I'm still trying to process how this time last year, things were so good and at the present moment we've fallen apart. What changed? Did I? Did you? Why does everything suck so much now?

I dunno.

I'm just going to try. I deserve to be able to move on as easily as he has. I deserve to be happy, too.

It's now a battle of wills, I think. I have to prove that I don't need him, that I'm better off without him, that I'm happier even though my heart hurts so much sometimes, I just randomly burst into tears.

I have to convince him that he doesn't matter to me. That he never did, not really anyway.

Things will never go back to how they were. It just can't. But it's okay.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I have my wonderful friends---the ones who don't make me cry. I have my family (ish). I have my dreams and words and goals and love for life. I can do this. It's okay.

I am a strong woman. You can not hurt me. I will not allow you to continue hurting me.

I'm going to be okay.


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