Thursday, October 22

I'm Underlined in Envy Green & Pencil Red...

I can't believe that they remixed Imogean Heap's song. BULL FUCKING SHIT! Ugh.

I played 'Somebody More Like You' with Eric just a few minutes ago. It felt good. Music makes me feel good, regardless of how bad I am. But my movement isn't as smooth as it use to be. My joints give way and my fingers begin to cramp---which just means I need to work on fingering exercises. Ah, if only I had time...

Apparently, we're buying a cello. I pretty much just want to go bitch crazy at this point. A CELLO! :) It's so exciting!

Granted, it's for Asima, but c'mon. A cello. I'd name him Robert. Or Martha.

Talking to Adriana on the phone and I've begun to wonder when I stopped being a phone person. I dunno. I can remember spending hours on the phone all through out my middle school and high school days. Now I can't seem to be bothered to return calls.

I hope my appetite picks up because I want everyone to stop teasing me. It's getting old. I can't help the fact that I don't feel like eating. Or that I can't sleep. I don't really know what's wrong. It's stressing me out more that I'd need, though.

Sometimes, I wonder if the past really was as great as I remember it being. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'm just terrified at the thought of imagining a different kind of future for myself, so I just cling onto these ideas of how amazing everything and everyone was before it all changed. To give me comfort? To give me a reason to wallow in misery? Perhaps what's to come will be ten thousand times better. I'm just going to allow myself to let go and let in. We can't go back in time. The fact that we've changed is a good thing. I might not be able to see it immediately, but it really is a good thing.

I was telling Anam today how I'm scared that things will never get better. But that's not true. How can I, the ultimate idealist, believe that things will never get better?

They will. Someday I'll get out of here. Someday I'll stand up for myself and not allow people to exploit me. Someday I'll find new friendships and appreciate old ones even more. Someday will have to come eventually.

All I can say to is this: if you don't like the answer, simply change the question.


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