It's starting to get quiet in the house now, and I hear those sleeping bodies and want to do something drastic. Like escape.
But that's looking like a pipe dream from the get-go. I'm not strong enough to escape this place. My sense of duty ties me here. The fact that my happiness is linked to your acceptance, will always keep me here. Even if---by some miracle---I get the hell out of here, I'd still be here.
So instead of thinking about all of this, instead of worrying about how there really is no hope for me ever finding true, unadulterated happiness, I choose to just listen to some music and relax. And talk to a nice boy who makes me laugh.
I do miss Fayard sometimes and that's hard for me to admit because I hate missing people. I think that we've changed so much that it's almost impossible to understand the other, yet when I need him, he's there. No questions asked. No time frame needed. He's just there for me. And he loves me as though I was still that awkward twelve year old girl. Maybe we haven't changed at all.
I think I'm happier right now. Granted, my home life is in the shitter, but I try not to think of that at all. I kind of wish that all my problems could be solved with a simple: 'I love you.' If I could just say that, maybe things wouldn't be so bad.
Mom, I love you.
Dad, I love you.
Asima, I love you.
Bobby, I wish you'd die.
Ooops. Well, I tried.
I'm going to pick up more hours next week (Universe, save me...) 'cos I need to buy my new sister-in-law a wedding gold set. Which I'm very excited about. I adore that pretty lady and she's great for my pampered, arrogant brother. However, Bhaiya just makes me feel terrible every time he calls and says, 'Mutti! You're suppose to be here! YOU SWORE ON THE SHAMELESS GAME!'
Well, Niaz Bhai, you can't hold me accountable for promises I made...say, TEN years ago?? I was nine. Geez. Cut me some freakin' slack! Time, space, and rationality never once crossed my mind at that age. It hardly does now.
Sometimes practicality sucks and I wish I could be part of White Supremacist Capitalism Patriarchy rather than the yellow girl on the outside. HA! NOT.
I'm getting sleepy. I wish I could blame my idiotic behavior on mental illness. But that's not really possible. Or it could be. My mother is insane, after all...
If you're reading this, it means that I love you. I promise I do. I don't have the energy to hold onto hate (believe me, I've tried. It only works with Bobby. That shit is deep seeded, man).
G'night, world. I sleep so I can rise to fight again.
bell hooks is right, then. Constant struggle, dissension, conflict---that's what life is about. It's not suppose to be pretty. Things don't get fixed when you walk away.
Dear life, I am not scared of you. I will not walk away.
P.S. I think my life is glorious. I think that I have unlimited potential. So, I might not be able to get the sort of happiness or satisfaction that I think I need, but there's bound to be something else---if that makes any sense...?
Look, all I'm saying is that even though nothing is working out in my favor at the moment, universal equilibrium is going to kick in soon and everything will be okay.
P.P.S. Yes, I've meant all those words I've ever said or written about/to you. Even the good ones. It's funny how you never remember the good ones. Oh, well.