I've never known what I wanted. You'll always hear people say, "ever since I was a kid, I knew that I wanted to ..." or "I've wanted to be a ... since I was eight" or "No, you idiot. I never stuck crayons up my nose."
That was never the case for me (all three counts, really). I guess I was too busy playing dress up or lava lava lava land or whatever other imaginary games that kept me occupied from day to day. What a huge mistake that was... Apparently I'm so behind the rest of them, it'll take my lifetime to catch up. Catching up to what exactly? I'm not really sure. We're all just running in circles 'till the earth swallows us, anyway, no?
"What do you want to be, Athia?"
I'd look up to you with the wide eyes of a seven year old, "A pony. Neeeeigh!"
"She gonna be doctor. We decided that long time go." says my mom, as she pats my shoulder in reassurance, maybe even pride. That small gesture of affection, that gentle touch of love was enough. That was enough to change the course of my entire life. Fuck being a pony! My mom could love me if I was a doctor, no?
"Oh, really. A doctor? What kind of doctor?"
"A pony doctor!" You smiled. I smiled. Mom frowned.
"She gonna be surgeon." This would have been more troubling if my premature brain could wrap around the dangers of what was happening (or if I wasn't so preoccupied with ponies...).
Here I am, almost two decades later and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
All I know is that I need more---more than the American dream (whatever the fuck that means anymore), more than plasma screens and Sunday afternoon BBQ's, more than the feminine mystique and boys with pretty faces and clever words.
This love I have needs the opportunity to transcend the confines of my body and reach the cold, the destitute, the lonely, the broken. This love I have is meant to be shared and I have to find a way to do it.
Dear universe, please allow me to love righteously, to live courageously, to help infinitely.
I'll find myself as you find yourself. We'll find life together.