Monday, July 6

Laughing, crying, what the fuck are you doing?

I should stop taking antibodies, because when I do, I slip in and out of a hallucinatory state of misery.

I should also stop taking days off, because when I do, I feel wholly unproductive and spend lots and lots of time fantasizing about impossible things.

God damn my fantasy prone personality...

It has lead my mind to wander to a beige house with blue doors and painted window shutters, a tiny vegetable garden, and a little girl with curly black hair and her father's eyelashes.


I would give anything, anything, to stop. To stop these feelings, to stop having these hopes. Honestly, we have no future together---only the kind where we have group dinners with our respective others. I can imagine the tiny Asian babies picking on the little Mexican ones, while the tall giraffe like kids flail their arms about for attention. It makes me smile to think that our future together involves not only the three of us, but three of our families. Call me crazy for hoping we don't drift apart. Call me a sentimental fool for loving you like my bloodline.

Sigh. I swear to you, it's the meds. talking.


Just got a call from Adriana. She definitely caught me at a bad time, 'cos I lashed out at her when she said that my not getting the books for Philosophy of Love was stupid. Yes. I know it's stupid. But I've been over-worked and over stressed for the past two months and I'm about to fucking break. I didn't get a chance to get the damn books and I don't need her to ride me for it. Geez. Isn't she suppose to be the understanding one?

I would expect that she, of all people, wouldn't judge me.

I should probably apologize for being short with her. I'm just cranky and stressed and I could name a shitload of excuse, but it wouldn't make me feel any better about it.

I just need to rant to someone, I suppose.


Okay. I'm going to shower. Then I've seriously got to finish my homework and studying.


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