Writing. It's all I know how to do, which is simply heartbreaking because you'd expect to do well in your only 'honed' skill.
I don't know if it's funny or sad that my best friend needs a break from me. I woke up feeling pretty repulsed with myself---'Wow, Athia. You're such a horrible human being that the kid can't stand you'.
FUCK OFF JEREMY!
'... I was just saying....'
I don't know what I did wrong. I haven't treated him differently. I haven't loved him more or less. I don't feel like I ask for too much? He's the one who's just ... ?
I don't know. But what I do know is that he has been responsible for more tears than all of my friends combined and multiplied by a factor of infinity. I could cry the fucking stars, but it wouldn't matter. Nothing will melt that heart of stone he has and I don't know if I envy him, or pity him. Most of the time I feel sad for him because he's so guarded and he misses out on the unconditional love and acceptance people can have for him. I wonder why he hurts so much.
I can't understand him. He can't understand me. It's so frustrating. We're such different people, with different needs that it's impossible to keep the both of us happy.
Maybe it's time for me to count my loses and just give up on you. I told you I wouldn't, but I think you want me to now. You just won't say it. Send me one of your passive aggressive signs...?
(How rich of me. This is certainly passive aggressive, if anything. But you're uncomfortable with confrontation & I'm antsy with unresolved issues. Consider this my compromise?)
'Hey, at least you tried, dear.'
Yupp. I sure did.
That's all that I wrote to you. You can stop reading now. I mean, if you were reading?
The question of the day is: who can you practice being more loving towards today?
That just made me smile, because I know exactly who that's going to be---someone really special who I hardly ever appreciate enough, who I spend too much time wishing was someone different.
I'm going to practice being more loving towards Athia today, because man, does that girl need it. I mean, I'm a total bitch to her most of the time, and maybe she thinks that I don't love her, when really, she's the only one who ever understands me.
So, today I say: Athia, I love you. You are beautiful. You are divine. You are the pine scented air, the blind woman's teacup, and whatever other nonsensical metaphors our dearest Billy can come up with. Yes, you're also a psychotic bitch, but on your good days, you could be the savior of mankind.
You, you, wonderful you, spin magic with your words. You are a creater. You are an idealist. You are a romantic. You are a strong woman.
Never forget that. Never forget all the things you have done, and the all the things you will do.
You are the beginning, anything, everything, can & will happen.