Tuesday, June 30

Some Words...

Writing. It's all I know how to do, which is simply heartbreaking because you'd expect to do well in your only 'honed' skill.

I don't know if it's funny or sad that my best friend needs a break from me. I woke up feeling pretty repulsed with myself---'Wow, Athia. You're such a horrible human being that the kid can't stand you'.


'... I was just saying....'

I don't know what I did wrong. I haven't treated him differently. I haven't loved him more or less. I don't feel like I ask for too much? He's the one who's just ... ?

I don't know. But what I do know is that he has been responsible for more tears than all of my friends combined and multiplied by a factor of infinity. I could cry the fucking stars, but it wouldn't matter. Nothing will melt that heart of stone he has and I don't know if I envy him, or pity him. Most of the time I feel sad for him because he's so guarded and he misses out on the unconditional love and acceptance people can have for him. I wonder why he hurts so much.

I can't understand him. He can't understand me. It's so frustrating. We're such different people, with different needs that it's impossible to keep the both of us happy.

Maybe it's time for me to count my loses and just give up on you. I told you I wouldn't, but I think you want me to now. You just won't say it. Send me one of your passive aggressive signs...?
(How rich of me. This is certainly passive aggressive, if anything. But you're uncomfortable with confrontation & I'm antsy with unresolved issues. Consider this my compromise?)

'Hey, at least you tried, dear.'

Yupp. I sure did.

That's all that I wrote to you. You can stop reading now. I mean, if you were reading?

The question of the day is: who can you practice being more loving towards today?

That just made me smile, because I know exactly who that's going to be---someone really special who I hardly ever appreciate enough, who I spend too much time wishing was someone different.

I'm going to practice being more loving towards Athia today, because man, does that girl need it. I mean, I'm a total bitch to her most of the time, and maybe she thinks that I don't love her, when really, she's the only one who ever understands me.

So, today I say: Athia, I love you. You are beautiful. You are divine. You are the pine scented air, the blind woman's teacup, and whatever other nonsensical metaphors our dearest Billy can come up with. Yes, you're also a psychotic bitch, but on your good days, you could be the savior of mankind.

You, you, wonderful you, spin magic with your words. You are a creater. You are an idealist. You are a romantic. You are a strong woman.

Never forget that. Never forget all the things you have done, and the all the things you will do.

You are the beginning, anything, everything, can & will happen.


Sunday, June 28

I want to be loved.

Friday, June 26

If you cry just a little, but laugh in the middle, you've made it.

Dear God, if you could lend me another hour in the daily cycle so that I can get some sleep, I would worship you like a soul-scrubbed pilgrim on the path of enlightenment. Until then, it's only blasphemy and self-deprecation from me.

I remember once, asking my Dad why, if God loved us so damn much, did He let us hurt each other and suffer from ourselves. I could tell that he was startled---his little girl, ten at most, sitting in front of him, eyes wide and full of curiosity. I guess he did what any good father would do. He took me in his lap and said, 'It's because he believes in us.'

I remember a time when that was enough.


This whole 'being an adult' thing...really sucks. I don't like it.S ure, I'm making a crap load of money (Alhumdullinlah) but I don't have time to do anything else. This place has consumed my life.

I don't like being a restaurant kid anymore. It was exciting when I was seven. It was fun when I was eleven. It made me feel important when I was thirteen. But now? It's just different.

I feel like I grew up differently from most kids, the office kids. Like Asima. I don't think I can explain it properly. It's just because I was raised in that environment, that strange environment where you interact with people all the time, and you learn how to adapt your personality to make them like you. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking eager to make other people happy. God, I'm so good at convincing people that our family is happy and functional. I'm so good at convincing people that I'm a good human being.

Now that I think about, even the way I prep groceries after shopping has been ruined by my being a resturant kid---we buy in bulk, package everything separately, and call them orders. GEEZ.

Well, at least I know that I can get a job at any resturant because I'm so 'personable' (says my customers, not me) and I'm a quick learner (says Diane, not my dad).

AND I think it's totally fucked up that I can remember the drink/meal order of every single last person who I've ever served. I'm not lying. It's true. Ask anyone. The moment they walk in again, I can tell you exactly what they drank and what they ate and what we talked about. I wish I could remember more important things...

Monday, June 22

Please, don't be sad anymore. Your smile lights up the lamp posts of a million dusty streets. Your smile makes me believe that there is a Divine, and I've found Him in you, my friend, my sister, my brother, my life line and blood. Shake the dust.

I leave these little pieces of me, for the bigger pieces of you.

These aren't just words, I promise you. These aren't just words to me. They're never been JUST words. If you could ever take a peek at the beats my heart makes, you'd see it's never just a thing for me to say. If you could ever feel the life that runs through me, you'd never question my intentions. If you could ever understand how much I love you, you'd never feel lonely again.


Only in an Indian movie will the mobster be a sweetheart and the doctor be a dick. Perhaps, that's life?


But movies are thriving with wussy boys. If only real life was too (If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEhcjKZP6LI).

Going to class now.


Sunday, June 21

Insanity Is Where It's At, Babbbby....

Oh God...

What if I'm a bad kisser? What if my husband is too? What if we're a bad kissing couple and we never even realize it? What if we have boring sex?

And then he decides to leave me for a stripper named Candie?

Ew. Ew. EW.

I'm not very good with the whole physical contact thing. I can only comfortably hug maybe a handful of people, and only one of them is a boy. Is there something wrong with me, I wonder...?

Human contact is suppose to be good for you. It's suppose to make you feel good, no? Then why do I cringe at the mere thought of it?

Yeah, something must be wrong with me.

Why am I even thinking about these things? Geez. I have gone crazy.


Saturday, June 20

I'm realizing how we're all scared and broken and clingy to each other for life and love.

I love you and you love me, even though you might not be able to say it.

If I don't wake up tomorrow, know that you changed my world. You, beautiful you, change an entire world.


Thursday, June 18

Baa baaa baaa

Listening to James Morisson's 'Once When I Was Little'.

Oh, baby, sing me them blues. I feel ya'.

Really, this song is amazing. Or it could just be the moment it's bringing to life, the love each crescendo in his voice is creating within my tender little heart---all 'cos I'm a sentimental fool. I can't really tell.

Damn. The Shins are beautiful. Their music just does something to me. It's the feel. The feel. The feel.

Also, 'Recycled Air' in acoustic, is freakin' amazing.

Okay, enough music commentary, I suppose.

What's happening in my life?




Oh, look at the time! I've got, you know, stuff to do. Yeah. Yeah, totally.


Sunday, June 14

You and I are the beginning...

I'm rather excited that I've been able to steal a few moments to myself. The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough, but I must be getting your positive energy, 'cos I'm surviving just fine. I think that after a few more months, I'll be able to afford an apartment. I've just got to keep saving, shut my mouth, and start job searching.

I feel inspired to write Adriana a counter-story to her birthday present. Or to write a one shot something or another. Or a poem. I dunno. I've got all day! :)

I do want to be that shy couple in the back booth holding hands, but I can't find a guy who's clever enough. Perhaps when I start taking more right brain oriented classes, I'll find someone who is my intellectual equal---someone who I don't have to explain 'big words' to. That would be lovely...

Meh. I have to remember that I go to UCF, though. haha.

Dear Universe, if you could be so kind, please inform the divine that I'm prepared for whatever punishment He sees fit.

Doubt of faith is cause enough for eternal damnation---then let every man, woman, and child burn in flames, I suppose.

Oh, bite my bitter tongue. Blasphemy will be my very end...


MUGA. I'm going to make some green tea.

Will be posting periodically.


Friday, June 12

Must make a mental note to secretly send Anam flowers one random day.

Thursday, June 11

I genuinely can't spell restaurant properly, and congratulations, too. Thank God for spell check.
I ate too much frosting. I will vomit.

No, I don't like it.
Still checking...

Does this work? O_o

Thursday, June 4

Can It Be July Now?

It's getting closer to my birthday, which only adds to the melancholy. Birthdays are usually just awful, and I can't see this one being any better.

If this new trainee doesn't work out, then I will, in fact, be working. Not that I mind. I don't have anything better to do, and I would probably have stayed at the store with my dad, anyway. At least I can keep busy and maybe steal a slice of cheesecake from the kitchen when no one is looking. That would be awesome---like the stealth highlight of my life.

Just finished reviewing for chem. and the sky is beginning to breath new life. I'll try and catch a half hour of sleep, then I'm going to get up to review some more. Maybe in a bit I'll finish my IDS work.


Monday, June 1

I'm feeling like a fool. I'm worrying about how I'm getting older faster than I'm getting my dreams accomplished.

Little You & I...

I can't get back to sleep. Decided to type some things in the word processor, but that only jolted me a little more.

I'm looking forward to my Tuesday off. I'm going to hole up in the library all day and study for my chem. test---well, I'm mostly going to be goofing off, but I'll at least be in my favorite spot.

Somethings just amaze me, like the fact that I was once a little girl. Where did that little girl go?

This shouldn't surprise me so much. I've been acting rather childish lately, so I guess she's still here, to an extent.

But that little was just so amazing. She was so happy. She was alone, mostly, but she was still so happy.

Today, I'd like to be happy. I've made the decision, lying sleepless for hours. Today, I'd like to be happy.

It'll be a funny day. It'll be amusing trying to function without any sleep.

You ask me who the you I am always mentioning could be, and I can't answer you. This you is bigger than the us that has made up this conversation or the facts and speculations that lead you to this question, even. This you is certainly bigger than me.

My second person love affair isn't anything personal----because I write to you, my muse, my lover, my friend, my bloodline. For you.

This is the you that sits on white benches with me on rainy days, this is the you with warm palms and an outstretched heart, this is a vindictive you, a playful you, a you of old and young and innocence and recklessness, a you who seeks glory and love and passion. This you is matched with every other part of me.

Now my darling, my friend, be well.