Sunday, May 31

Random Walks ...

Yeah, really? Why do I bother getting out of bed in the mornings? It's the same shit life, day in and day out. What changes? Nothing. I am not fluid enough to move through the motions with ease. You are the light and life that breaths into me the promise of tomorrows' shadow.

I have no idea if anyone will understand what I meant. I'm just that deep (if you haven't seen Beau Sia's 'I'm So Deep' reading, you won't get the irony).

You are not the pine scented air. There's just no way that you're pine scented air.


But I'll settle for a bottle of pine sol and the boy with a beaming smile and an open hand that holds a pen, whose heart leaks ink---palms wide enough to hold the destiny of a million men of greatness.

Guess who just wrote an entire new chapter? Guess who didn't save the damn file?


Yupp.

Me.


I can tell from the turn of your lips that you're disappointed in me. Over the years, you've come to expect less. You forget that I genuinely try for you. I would gladly give my heart and soul, hung cut and quartered to your liking---live out life on a crucifixion, if it would mean redemption.


...


I would like to create beautiful things. I am lovely. I was lovely before you, but I forget that. Because you made me realize my potential, I forget that I was something before you. And now that the beginning is no longer the order of things, I am lost.




G'night universe. Play nice.

Thursday, May 28

I'd rather like you to take out my heart and replace it with something that doesn't hurt so damn much.

Monday, May 25

Poem Twelve...

You’re a pack rat, you say?
No shit.
It was fine at first when I started noticing these things.
In my imagination, you’d creep around, collecting trinkets and bobbles and useless nothings and tuck them away
Deep into the secret pockets of your school bag.
I even thought it was kind of cute.
So I indulged you and stole your yellow power ranger pencil top
And tried the whole hoarding deal myself, if only to belong.

But then one day, you told me you wouldn’t give me Chino,
Not because you had a bond with him, a bond only realized between a boy and his hamster,
(We both know that you don’t even like him)
But because you couldn’t stand to see anyone else with him.

That’s when it stopped being cute.
Not because I wanted your hamster---well, partly.
But mostly because I realized how dangerous you are.

I run our scenes in my mind through constant replay.
We play in black and white, sitting under trees, you covered in grass, me laughing
We play in color, on rainy days, you drenched, me skipping.
I hear the sound of your voice, and every ion and atom in this string of limbs is called back to life.
I start to think that maybe, just maybe, I’ve made the final home stretch to planet crazy,
Because all I can think of is leaning in just a little closer
Let the blushing virgins bend as the cosmic happenings have done
To offer us this moment.

But it’s not all my fault.
It takes two to win a heart, and one to break it.
The math doesn’t add up, and I must have screwed up the calculations
Somewhere in between endless conversations
And the moment I first realized I was in love and you weren’t.

You take my heart in your hand and hold me at an arms length.
Envelope me in your scent to give me false hope of a broken prophecy.
You build me up with promises you never meant to make
And I look into your sad eyes and I can’t tell you how many times
I had to keep the floods from pouring from my lids,
Because the world knows I am a strong woman and you can not hurt me,
Even though you do.


You are a pack rat,
Hoarder of shit.
Keeper of secrets and holder of my heart.
I just wish you’d take better care of these things.

Thursday, May 21

You Look Like a Mermaid & Walk Like a Waltz...

Sitting in chem. thinking about how much this sucks. LOTS.

Sigh. I woke up rather chipper this morning. I had the strangest dream, but I can't remember what it was about. No, I did remember. It's just, I can't remember anymore.

Ugly Betty season finale tonight. Yay and sad face.

-Cheers!

Monday, May 18

I'm trying to be calm, when in fact, I just want to be a psycho bitch and throw a tantrum. Truly.

It's just...the thought of you and her together---you, pining over her. You, showing anything but indifference....it drives me mad. I don't even want to think about it.

Yet, that's all I can think of, really. And I don't even know why because it doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. You are irrelevant to how I should feel about me. But here I am, stewing in my own pot of crazy over whether or not you liked her and why and for how long and what you thought and what you felt and what's wrong with me.

Everything.

God, so damn needy, Athia

I don't even know. I don't even know why I'm reacting so much to something so silly.

Okay. So you might have liked her at some point. Big deal. That's none of my business. You can like or not like whomever you please. It has nothing to do with me.

I mean, but knowing that it was someone like her that caught your attention, makes me realize that I didn't stand a chance. I wish I had known sooner so I would have been more protective of my silly little heart.


I'm so stupid. I hate being so stupid. I'm acting like a child. You don't like me. I know. I understand. You can barely tolerate me. How can I blame you? There are days when I can barely tolerate myself...

Oh dear, I really have gone mad. What sane person acts like this? How absurd.

You are nothing to me. These 'ties' we have created aren't real---they're a part of my imagination. You and I are nothing to each other. Please, Athia, for your own sake, realize this.

I am nothing special to you. Just let it go, Athia. Let it go. Let it go.

Stop allowing yourself to get hurt, please.

Sunday, May 17

Poem Eleven


I changed the tone of this poem. It was originally intended to be humorous, but it took on a new life...I guess...? What do you think? It's kinda rambly, no?



I work the nine to five job at a twelve to twelve pace,
Waiting tables at a busy intersection in the prime of my life.
I was doing the juggling act the other day
And that‘s when I saw you, the little boy that would change the world.
Boy to be superman, batman and Spiderman
Rolled into one cape crusader hidden under your blues clues t-shirt.


There you were, just sitting with your feet crossed over the chair
Curly black hair and copper eyes to see the world,
Cheeks kissed red by the vitality of sunshine,
You are a little son of God,
The savior of mankind,
No resurrection necessary, just add a pinch miracle grow and a dash of destiny.
I just knew that you, you would change the world from the moment I saw you.
Maybe.

I wanted so badly to see in your face where you would go,
What choices you would make, how many lips you would kiss, the hearts would break.
How many times would sneak out of your parents house?
How many days would you skip of your senior year of high school?

Oh, the things you would learn to appreciate---
Good music and eating too much on Sundays,
Summers with your best friends, and text-messaging.

Who would you become, little one?

A demi-god among men, champion of the marginalized,
Hero of the damned, the forgotten?
Golden child of chosen sun, would you spin magic with your mind
And mark the moon with a sling shot, guiding back starlight from the milky way?

Would you become a man?
The man we read in story books,
The man of principle.
The man we know and don't who works fourteen hours a day, seven days a week,
Silently struggling for his family,
Never complaining once of his burden,
All for you.

What would you choose?

It occurred to me that you could grow into just another man, no?
Silver tongued with slippery hands,
Trying to weasel your way into iron clad panties that aren’t as strong as they should be
Even though your mother taught you to respect your women.
Close yourself off and bury your heart deep into the ground where no one can find it
Because emotional connections are irrelevant to being a man, no?
Maybe she just wants you to hold her and tell her she’s beautiful.

Who would you become?
Just another father who neglects his kids,
Just another husband who raises his fists
Just another authoritarian who manipulates the system and
Fucks Corruption while Justice pretends we're all going to be just fine?


Dear little one, stay little longer. Just stay little longer.
Because growing into that man, is apparently, irreversible.

Tuesday, May 12

Betch Fest

I'm so very sad and feeling utterly alone. I haven't seen/physically spoken to my friends in ages. I just really wish they would enjoy their summer. My dad needs me right now and I can't let him down. I've been letting him down all my life, so I don't care what I have to give up to make sure that I don't fuck up. I've got to hold it all together, especially since he's under so much pressure right now. He's sad, too, I know.

To make matters worse, May will be over in an instant and then it'll be June and I'm getting closer to dying.

Is there any way to make birthdays less painful? No? Fan-bloody-tastic.

I gave up on them when I turned eleven and didn't get my Hogwarts letter.

I'm super late for work. BYE.

Sunday, May 10

I'm Doing Just Fine...

There's so much going on right now, but I don't really have the emotional capacity to deal with it all.

My mother left again, and I just hope she doesn't come back this time. It's not like she was ever there for us anyway.

I have no respect for someone who can abandon their family. You are weak. You are a disease. You do nothing but hurt your husband and your children. We don't need you.

I can take care of everything. I've been doing it just fine for years. I have dad. I don't need you.


I'd write more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I've got to finish the laundry, anyway.

-Cheers!

Tuesday, May 5

Love is irrelevant, but I love you anyway.

I'm updating, yes.

We're going to start renovation at the store in a few weeks. That's kind of exciting so long as I get to plan without actually doing any physical labor.

Sometimes I feel like my parents procreated to have free laborers. And why the fuck not, ey?

Whatevs.

Crack Whore has foiled my plans. UGH! I despise her. She's the reason I can't go bowling on Thursday. She scheduled some impromptu trip to Miami and I have to cover her shift.

I'd like to erase you from memory. But it's the good and bad that makes me love you.

-Cheers!