Wednesday, April 8
No Bananananas In My Smoothie, Please.
Nostalgia, nostalgia, you're such a little bitch.
I've been swearing a lot recently. I'm not bothering to censor myself, and I don't really know why. It's not as though my vocabulary is lacking. I've just adopted crude speech into my ever day vernacular. It makes me feel dangerous and edgy, when in fact, I'm about as cut throat as a basket of paraplegic kittens. Yeah. Let that imagery sink in.
I'm in a pretty bad place right now, but it's going to get better. At least, that's what I keep repeating to myself.
Calm the fuck down. Just calm the fuck down.
So instead of concentrating on my Dadu or my obnoxious family or my ambitionless goals, I've chosen the lesser of my problems to agonize over. Though, this agonizing is leading me to botch the whole situation even more, but whatever. We're resilient. I'm sure that one will fix itself (Yes, denial is a pleasant thing...).
Now about being ambitionless...
I dunno, genuinely. I want to create beautiful things just to share with the people I love. Part of me wants everything to fall into obscurity---there's beauty in stumbling upon magic. Another, less prominent, dormant part wants acclaim and success and instant gratification. I'm torn between starving for my art and living the diva life.
Yet, neither of those are really viable options. I should just study biology. It's a subject that amazes and inspires me. Honestly, whenever I read up on biology, I feel a little bit of my faith coming back to me. I Begin to think that a God must have created these perfect systems.
What are you good at, Athia? I'm good at school and passing tests and regurgitating information. It's how I've survived in this system for so long.
What makes you happy, Athia?
That's harder to answer. Maybe being self-involved makes me happy. Evey time I resurface from my very active imagination, I find myself hating reality even more. I observe the people around me, and what I see is frightening. I want to retreat within myself all over again.
What is most important to you, Athia?
I want to say my family or friends or God or something dripping with generic ease and self-sacrifice. But what's most important to me right now, right at this very moment, is finding Athia and falling in love with her.
I'm apparently 'socially underdeveloped'. I was shouting back at Gabi: "What do you mean I'm underdeveloped...socially?!?!" and this mellow looking guy sitting nearby just looked at me and smiled. Oh... yeah.
I want to try and be less loud and obnoxious. HA. The sad part is that I have been trying. >_<
I'm so sleepy, I can barely keep my eyes open...
Going to chem.