Saturday, December 13


I envy those who find their faith so easily---and even those who can disregard it all together.

I wish I could do either of those things, but since I can’t, I am stuck in limbo.

My heart is filled with anger. At my family, at myself, at my Lord.

I am angry at my parents for creating this distance between us. I am angry at myself for being unhappy. I am angry at God for not making me better.

He chooses to bring people into light----I fear that I shall be in darkness, because He wills it.
Then where is my will? Am I suppose to fake it until I have some sort epiphany: standing in prayer, my shoulders touching those of a believer, being bitter and resentful.

I’m on my knees, head bowed in shame, hands grasping out to Him, begging His forgiveness, begging to see reason and light and goodness.

Why am I not worthy enough that He should make me believe?

I have tried. I have tried to convince myself. I have tried to follow as much as I can. I tried have to be good, but it is never enough.

This God, this deity, this one who is suppose to love His creations---how can I believe He loves us? How can I believe He wants us to be happy? If He wanted us to be happy, why put people through so much pain when they don’t deserve it? Why do absolutely nothing?

A test. A test. Another fucking test to fail.

We are menial. We are trivial. We are a game for His amusement.

My dad always asks: ‘What will you say, when you stand before your Lord? How will you answer to Him?’

How will He answer those He hurt? Will He---humbled from the pain in the eyes of innocent children, by the grief of widows, the sadness of victims---ask for their forgiveness?

Or simply say: ‘I am sorry, but I grant you paradise. Let’s call it even.’

No. In His game, He has hurt too many. I will not forgive Him. Never.

He knows all. I have no chance. He knows what I will do, what I won’t do. What is in my heart.

I’m tired of His judgment. I’m tired of your judgment. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

I have tried. I have failed. I will continue to fail. Fail Him. Fail her. Fail you. Fail me.

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